Cleaning Tips from Chuck Palahniuk's Survivor

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This article is from an old site of mine, It was originally published Jan 1, 2006. The article was originally published in 3 sections, I have condensed this down to one article.

Uber Korp isn't just about world domination. We are also about community service. To that end, we present:
Cleaning tips from Chuck Palahniuk's Survivor

1. Repair bullet holes in walls with toothpaste or paste of cornstarch and salt.

2. Polish copper with half a lemon dipped in salt.

3. Repair stab holes in nightgowns, tuxedos or hats with clear nail polish applied to the inside of the puncture.

4. Hide red, slapped skin with green-tinted moisturizer.

5. Hide a cut from a diamond ring. First stop the bleeding with a styptic pen. The close the gash with super glue.

6. Create a temporary tooth pack for a knocked out tooth by mixing a compound of zinc oxide and oil of cloves into a paste. Rinse tooth socket, pack with compound and allow to harden.

7. Remove tear stains, perspiration, mascara on a pillow case by dissolving five aspirin in water and daubing until the stain is gone.

8. Remove lipstick from a shirt collar by rubbing with white vinegar.

9. Remove protein stains (esp. semen) from clothing with cold salt water then wash as usual.

10. Clean up small shards of broken glass using a piece of bread.

Have fun kiddie's. There are plenty more where that came from, just you wait.

Part 2
11. Remove grout mildew by scrubbing with ammonia

12. Get rid of divots in carpet (from furniture, etc) by putting ice in the divots. As the ice melts the divot will pop out.

13. Polish chrome with club soda.

14. Clean ivory or bone handles by rubbing with lemon juice and salt.

15. Remove the shine from a suit by first dampening the cloth with a weak mixture of water and ammonia. Then iron the fabric with a damp pressing cloth.

16. Remove cherry stains by rubbing with a ripe tomato and washing as usual.

17. Keep a sharp crease in your pants by rubbing the inside of the crease with a bar of soap. Iron the pants as usual.

18. Clean your oven by baking a pan of ammonia.

19. Another way to keep a sharp crease in your pants is to iron them with a pressing cloth dampened with water and vinegar.

20. Don't clean vinyl floors with bleach. The bleach will ruin the gloss coat, essentially destroying the floor.

A cleaning tip that I learned today is that you can remove red wine stains from a wool sweater (and essentially any fabric) by first putting peroxide on the stain and then rubbing soap into the stain. Daub the stain with a damp cloth. Repeat if needed. I had let a red wine stain sit on a wool sweater for about three days - I tried this trick and it worked. Yee-haw!

Another cleaning tip that I picked up - The 1/2 lemon with salt also works for brass. (I'll let y'all know if it works).

Part 3
21. Make a good dust cloth by soaking a rag in turpentine, then allowing it to dry.

22. Keep bacon from curling by chilling the bacon in a freezer for a few minutes before cooking.

23. Keep lace (doilies and perhaps underwear) crisp by ironing it between two sheets of wax paper.

24. The only effective way to clean brick is by sandblasting.

25. Clean soot from a chimney by burning zinc in a fireplace.

26. Keep dogs from digging up something that has been buried by covering the area with ammonia.

27. Keep ants away with borax. (scjames says - borax works great for roaches too.)

28. Keep roaches away with alum.

29. Use peppermint oil to keep away rats.

30. Remove blood stains from under the fingernails by sinking fingertips into half a lemon. Wiggle fingertips. Rinse fingertips under warm water.

31. To remove baked on crud from a microwave; first loosen the crud by boiling a cup of water for a few minutes - then clean.

That's all of the cleaning tips from Survivor. I wrote down a few cooking tips that I may write down next week.